I’m writing this on paper at campus because lugging my laptop around is too much exercise and God forbid I drop another 5 lbs. For those of you too young to remember, we used to use paper to write things down all of the time. We had these things called pens that had ink in them, and when you put them on the paper you could write! Now I can transfer it onto my computer when I get home! How primitive!
I’ve just ingested about 12 lbs of Panda Express food on campus. You all may remember that before I left for Oregon State University I was a hefty 125 lbs. Now I am 120 lbs thanks to the long walks to campus. My skinny jeans are now wide leg jeans. So I’ve begun “Operation: Weight Gain”. I start my day with a disgusting protein shake (note: do not put vanilla protein powder in apple juice. Vomit) and try to eat as much as possible for the rest of the day. That is difficult because easy-to-transport snacks come in loud plastic packaging and everyone hates the person in class who tries to quietly open their bag of chips for 20 minutes. JUST RIP IT OPEN! Except then chips fly everywhere. So I’m still working on that one. I guess burritos are always good.
I also need to avoid doing any kind of cardio workouts. Clearly my walk to campus is more than enough. So now my secret love affair with elevators doesn’t have to be a secret. I know we all pretend to love the stairs, but come on, no one really likes them.
Maybe I should petition for a special parking space on campus! I will tell them that technically I need a special spot because all of this walking is going to make me wither away and die. I don’t think you can really say no to that.
Anyway, I’ve decided to construct a series of drinking games that are actually eating games.
- Every time I hear someone say “… or whatever.” I will eat a candy bar.
- Any time I hear someone reference high school I will eat a bag of potato chips.
- Every time I see a girl with stupid bubble hair (displayed below) I will eat a steak.
- When someone is wearing flip flops in the rain like an idiot, I will eat a baked potato. (It probably wasn’t necessary to add “like an idiot” but it really bothers me.)
- When I hear someone talk about their MIP or DUI, I will eat a bowl of ice cream.
I don’t know how I’m going to carry all of that food around with me every day without losing even more weight. And I can’t decide if I should make a game for the guy who’s sitting at the table next to me flossing. How about every time that happens I will puke? Gross.
That’s all for today… or at the rate I’m going that’s all for this month.